There is a distinction between her and I, as much as I may try to almagimate an “us”, I know when she is driving. Her name is The Girl Who is Dead in Her Eyes, and she is my dissociated self. She endured the trauma so that I didn’t have too, but lately the burden is too much for her so she visits me. She brings me her memories, the ones that I have to rationalize are my own. I know that she waited until now because we are in a safe enough place to process where we have been and the things we have endured.
The thing about living with ptsd, at least in my perspective, is that it is completely exhausting. I am present here and now only to the extent that I am not trapped in the past. For quite some time my symptoms controlled me, I have a better handle now because I can recognize the onset of my dissociated state. It starts with a heaviness in my solar plexus, a physical sensation like there is a burden that I want to rip out from under my lower ribs. This is a huge indicator that I need to step back from whatever I’m doing, to practice awareness methods to stay centred in the present. If I don’t make a conscious effort at this stage, the present will deteriorate, my depth perception fails me, everything visually becomes blurred, I am completely on edge. The Girl Who is Dead in Her Eyes, a portion of my old self, my survival mechanism, she takes the reign, and I watch and wait.
I tell her I’ll keep her safe, the way she took care of me, I owe her that much. But I know it is all to heavy for her so when she visits I have to sit with her pain. I’m in healing, and it is terrifying, allowing the emotion, being in a steady state of fear, rationally repeating the mantra “I am safe” but the physical body doesn’t agree. There is a disconnect all over- mind/body, time/space, head/heart.
A little trick that I’ve found recently, one that is keeping me physically present today is the sound frequency of 528 hz. It’s a healing vibration, one of love, and it helps. It’s tricky being flooded with the past. It’s terrifying experiencing flashbacks. It is too hard for any individual to live in two places at once. Me and her, her and I, we are one, at least I’m trying hard to make that statement truth. I love being in the present, but I recognize I have to learn from my past, and eventually the future will be just that. When I’m whole, there will be no more time travel, and maybe I will get some rest.